Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Life is a rollercoaster


A very personal post here... Just to warn you.

I can't believe it's August already.
I should be working on a paper right now, but that is connected with fits of frustration... so I suddenly felt the urge to clean my apartment, do the kitty-litter box and update my blog instead. 

Time flies. But sometimes I'm glad it does. Time heals. More than half of this year's over, and I can already say it's been the most complicated of my life so far. I had to make a lot of difficult decisions, I got really hurt. But I've also been really happy at times. Lots of ups and downs. Very exhausting, I tell you. But it also tought me much about myself and the people around me. I realized some things had to change.

A while ago my boyfriend and me broke up after many years of relationship. He was my childhood friend, and first boyfriend. The circumstances are rather private. So to cut a long story short, things had gotten really tough between us, and yet it was really hard to make the choice to split up, because we still had feelings for each other. It went on like this for a while, and it just hurt more and more.
 Now I know it was for the better to finally put some space between us and our cards on the table. Since the break-up we've been closer again than during all the months before. Despite the awful things that happened, I think we'll actually manage to just be best friends again, as we were before we became a couple.

After that program I took part in at Salzburg University, I had come to Vienna to live with him in the apartment we got there a year ago (before I knew they'd take me in Salzburg and that therefore I'd live there instead for a while.. complicated story). But shortly after my arrival in June the break-up happened.
So I felt like nothing's keeping me here any longer. That's why this month I'll be moving to Lund and do my Master's there. He'll keep the flat. And my cat, which breaks my heart. But I couldn't find a place in Lund to move in with a pet. Also the travelling would be horrible for her... :( At least I know he'll take good care of her, and that I'll see her again. I still have friends and family here, so I'll come visit sometimes.

Also, there's loooots of work to do. I have a fulltime job during summer, and I have some project work for Salzburg to complete the program.

Among lots of other smaller issues, because everything's always happening at once, these are the top three of what's draining my energy right now. -__-
Oh, and the moving..

I'm lucky to have a small, but loving and supportive family and a bunch of loyal friends. I'm so very grateful for that. Without them I would have broken down.

Apart from all this happening, I've still been doing art. It's funny how my last post here is about having a kind of  art block. Shortly after I wrote that, I've been deep into a creative phase again. Just when things in my life started to get really tough. It was a way for me to deal with everything.

Sometimes I even sat at the piano or played the guitar a bit again. And I sang, and I danced, I took photos. I even wrote some really bad poems.
Of course I drew and painted. A lot actually.

Despite that creative boost, I didn't update this blog..  I uploaded some pictures to my Deviantart, and I also opened a Tumblr.
But the tougher things got, the more personal my art became. I made it for myself, to heal.

Here are some of my favourites of the earlier pictures I did share:

This really fits my situation right now. Moving boxes everywhere. I drew this while my friend jammed at the piano.

Some kind of self-portrait.

This is a fanart of the graphic novel "Beautiful Darkness", one of the best and most disturbing ones I've ever read.

Something I did for Illustration Friday.

I stopped uploading to Tumblr shortly after opening my account. I feel like it's just not communicative. Most people only reblog pictures from other peoples' accounts, instead of posting their own content. It's nice for picture browsing, but it doesn't really substitute a blog. It's so impersonal...

So I thought with moving somewhere else again, I could use this blog as a way of communicating more with my (art) friends from far away again. To keep them updated, as I don't really like Facebook either...
We'll see.

Either way, thanks to everyone who's still here reading! I really appreciate your interest and support. <3

Good night!
- Katrin

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Being restless

... the manifesto of a troubled art amateur.

Hello there, dear readers.

Well, yes, this blog has been on hiatus again for a while - except for two quick Illustration Friday uploads. In the meantime, I did a little bit of art, and a big bit of thinking. A whole lot of thinking.

It seems like the difficulties in my life are to go on for another while. :/ But that is not a subject for this blog, an art blog. And some of you reading this I consider my friends. And you who are, know what's going on anyway.

But onto the art part. I feel like sharing this with you.

Recently I suffer some kind of... art puberty. Mmh yes, I might put it like that.
The creativity hormones are going crazy in my mind. On one day there's too much of them, and then there's a lack. And even on days with a large scale of them, I can't really work it. It confuses me.

So I constantly switch from a phase in which I desperately want to create, to another where I don't pay attention to my sketchbooks and pencils, my guitar, or my camera. Unfortunately, the system is more balanced towards the latter state.

It is not a simple art block where I more or less put up with a steady period of not creating until things start flowing again. I start a picture, and then I have to pause to sleep or go to uni and later, on the same day, I wouldn't continue, because the mood is suddenly gone. I work on something, I do something else for a couple of hours, and then I decide to leave it. And when I have another creative rush, I start something new. And then the circle continues. And now I have this pile of unfinished works...

Some moments I think of restarting this blog all over, paying more attention again to all my social media art communites and stuff, because it feels good to get feedback.
And then again, I don't care about publishing something at all.

I'm restless. I can neither settle with a state of constant creative flow, or "constant leaving it be", as I too had it sometimes. Which is really frustrating. :/

I realised that there are a lot of battles going on in me, the troubled artist teenager going through puberty.

Of course, being anxious in life generally possibly causes an effect on my art streak, too.

I wish I would manage to channel all this anxiety and work it into my art. I tried, but it's not flowing smoothly. I get stuck.

Dear readers, have you ever experienced such a state? How did you manage?
I want to move forward, be it one direction or the other.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Hidden Town


look who's back for another update the very next day! ;) Can you believe it?

Just something I did during classes again, haha..

After Helsinki I had some stopover at home for a couple of days, and when I had to travel back to Salzburg for uni, I forgot to take my art stuff with me. :( All I have here now is the limited number of items I always carry around in my handbag: a sketchbook (a little bigger than A5), some pencils and ink pens, a small box of watercolour pencils and my mini watercolour set.

That's why I can't work on some things that are long due actually... several art trades (sorry guys!) and a Birthday present have been on my to do list for a while already. Furthermore there are other unfinished drawings I wanted to continue working on as well. I do have some bigger watercolour pad here, but with only those pencils and my small set (the pans are really tiny!) I just can't work properly.

And so I try to make the best of it and just get all ideas out of my head and onto sketchbook pages alone for now, like creating thumbnails for the actual paintings to come (or not). ;)

It's also kind of refreshing to have only a couple of tools at hand. I don't spend too much time pondering whether I should colour something with markers, or maybe watercolours, simply ink it, or...
I do it with the stuff I have!

Creating these little doodles doesn't take much time, but they are fun and practise after all. ♥

And they keep me sane.

Good night!

Monday, 17 February 2014

Some day in February

Hello again!

So it's been one month and one day since I wrote something.
*browses through the old entry*
Well, I still struggle with some things happening in my life right now, some got better, some new problems accrued. Another big fat one popped up just today, and I'm still feeling rattled.
But that's life, huh? I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can.

And not only bad things are happening. Another reason for my hiatus here was me being busy meeting friends, being in Helsinki and Vienna for a while, visiting events, having fun!

A while ago I started taking part in this challenge: 100 Happy Days
Every day you upload a photo of something that made you happy. I'm at day 21 now, and I have so much fun doing it. It's like some kind of self-treatment. I'm a stubborn one, so even on a really bad day I keep uploading my photos. I just don't want to quit, so I force myself to see something positive in every day. And there is! You only have to open your eyes to it. :)
I'm doing the challenge via Instagram, you can see my submissions here, if you're interested.

I haven't been completely idle in terms of drawing, either. Drawing helps as well. I just can't show you all of it. One half is too personal, the other isn't scanned yet and I can't do so until I come home again, because I left it all there. (Yes I know, it's always the same lame excuse, I'm sorry. :D But it's a little difficult when you're studying somewhere else, and travelling back and forth, especially with larger paintings.)

There are two pieces I did very recently that I can show you now. I'm sitting in class many hours a day, so after a while it's really hard to keep paying attention. And it's a computer class, so it's very tempting to just browse the net, or chat with friends etc. ~~ But I remembered that back in school I doodled a lot while listening, and so I gave it a try again. Last Friday I started with a blank page in the morning, I just began doodling a little, and until lunch it looked like this:

And when classes were over in the afternoon, like this:

This one is a fanart of one of my favourite Anime series, "Mushishi." :) I didn't use any reference though, so it's probably not very accurate, but I think it matches the atmosphere of the series. Coloured with watercolour pencils and ink.

Well, and today I did the same thing.I looked up this week's Illustration Friday topic ("twisted"), opened a blank page, and let my brain and hands do their thing without thinking too much.

Coloured with the mini watercolour set I bought a while ago. ♥
All done in class. And all the while I listened closely like a well-behaved student. It also works that way with music. I focus so much on the music, I draw without thinking, and so I'm not that critical either. That's why I always have a playlist on when drawing!

So I think I found a good way to be double-productive from now on. :) Paying attention and filling sketchbook pages at the same time, which don't have to look good. But at least I'm doing something!

Alright, that's it for now.
I think I will tell you a bit about Helsinki next time. Or maybe about the sketchbook I finished. There are several things I could talk about, and I think I will. I missed blogging!

Good night then,
and see you soon. :)

Thursday, 16 January 2014


Hello everyone,

it's been a while again.
There have been some recent events that made my life a little tough at the moment... I won't go into details now.

I just have to think things over and make new plans for the near future. And then everything will work out somehow, I hope. Don't worry about me. :) Just so you know. It might stay quiet here a little longer. Might. You never know when inspiration hits you!

I had doodled something for one of the past Illustration Friday topics which I didn't submit, because I forgot to scan it.~~ But this picture and the topic, "Reflect", really go with my mood right now, so I'm uploading it today.

Good night, 
- Katrin